So it's come to my attention that in the 18 years I was hibernating in my marriage, the very nature of dating has changed. Apparently people meet each other mainly through websites and dating apps these days. This is slightly horrifying to me. You see, in order to be on these apps and websites, you have to create a profile. What is a profile, really, but a dating resume?! You mean to tell me I have to post my pathetic dating resume on the interwebs for all to see in order to meet people? Oh goodness. My dating resume is even more anemic than my resume resume. It's very lean. Like about 10 dates long pre-marriage. I know people who have racked up better numbers than that in a week. Guys. The odds are not ever in my favor.
This new knowledge has caused quite a bit of reflection on my part. Now, I am no where near ready to date. Emotionally, I feel like a soldier in the Normandy Beach scene of Saving Private Ryan. I have been through it and back. And while I believe in love and forever, I am not fully convinced that I am worthy of love and forever. But that's another topic for another blog.
So, even though I am not ready to date, I can't help but wonder what my profile would look like. What would I say? How could I fluff the truth enough to make it look more inviting? I think I've finally managed to draft a pretty accurate portrayal of myself...
...and I think instead of dating I'll just collect more pets.
Heather's Dating Resume
Body Type: Salvage Title. She was once a beaut, but she's since been on some bumpy road trips. The original parts are all there, though they have to be strapped in pretty tight to stay in place these days.
Likes: Long walks down the cereal aisle at Target. Netflix binging and drive through Taco Bell (preferably in pjs so that when my bean burrito--with sour cream because I'm a classy lady--inevitably bursts I don't ruin yet another shirt). Singing along with the radio far too loudly in the car. Hiking. Okay, not really hiking--walking. Fine, strolling. I like strolling down very mild, family-friendly hiking paths. Fart jokes (let's be honest. Life is just too short to pretend gas isn't funny). I like nurturing and growing things--plants, animals, my people (kids). In fact, that's probably my greatest talent---keeping the things I am responsible for alive and growing. Useful, yes. Sexy, no.
Disclaimers: I laugh way too loud. I snore. (Let's just get that on the table right away. No surprises this time around. I'm going for complete truth in advertising). I really like food and I really hate dieting. You probably aren't going to hit your target weight while dating me. I am not good at dating games. If I like you, I will tell you. Awkwardly and often. I am a grade A klutz. It doesn't matter what our date consists of--I will bump my head and then pretend it didn't happen. But, it did. It totally happened. Probably twice, honestly.
Looking For: My penguin (according to Leslie Knope, penguins mate for life). (Is it okay to reference Leslie Knope on your dating resume?) Oh wait! I know the answer to this one. I believe what the kids would write here is, "a relationship." Boom. Nailed it.
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4 comments:
You *are* worthy of love, especially "penguin" love. The real question is "Who is worthy of receiving *your* love?"
On a side note, I love you very much, I owe you a lot, and I am incredibly pained that you have to go through this phase in your life. I do have faith in you and who you are and how - in the end- you will feel completely enveloped in love and trust and happiness.
As someone who once wrote one of these for match.com (long long ago), I'm impressed. This kind of honesty wasnt common. Go girl!
Of course you're worthy of love -- don't let those words fall from your lips again.
As for the rest of it: if you find the odds of a game are not ever in your favor, DON'T PLAY THEIR GAME. The only way you'll find someone (whenever that time is right again) that will truly match not only what you're looking for but also what you'll NEED is to do YOUR thing and see what comes along.
Trust me, you do NOT want to drop your toe into the waters these days with these piranhas swimming around....you'll end up more wounded than you were when you began. You do you, and quality will be drawn to it.
Best resume ever! 😂😍
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